Have you ever asked someone a question — a genuine question — and watched them shut down?
Not because the question was unfair. Not because you were trying to corner them. But because something in how it landed made them feel like they were being examined rather than heard.
There is a fine line between asking questions to understand and asking questions that feel like an interrogation. And most of the time, the difference is not the question itself.
One of the smallest shifts I have found — and one of the most powerful — is replacing "why" with "what."
I have seen it change conversations in places I did not expect.
With my daughter, when I stopped asking why she made a decision I did not understand — and started asking what she was thinking when she made it. The conversation changed. What had been a wall became a window — she was not defending herself anymore. She was letting me in.
With a client who had not paid their bill. "Why haven't you paid?" invites excuses or silence. "I've noticed your invoice is still outstanding — what's going on?" opened a conversation I was not expecting — and we found a way forward together.
With a family working through succession planning — one of the most emotionally loaded conversations a family can have. Every "why" felt like an accusation. Every "what" felt like an invitation to think out loud.
And with a team that had missed a critical deadline. "Why did this happen?" puts people in a room looking for someone to blame. "What do we need to understand about what happened?" puts them in a room looking for a way forward.
This is not a technique. It is a shift in posture.
When we ask "why," we are often — without meaning to — asking someone to justify themselves. When we ask "what," we are asking them to walk us through their thinking. One closes people down. The other opens them up.
And here is what I have found most striking: the person asking the question changes too. When I ask "what" instead of "why," I find myself listening differently. I am no longer waiting for a defence. I am genuinely hearing a story.
Every conversation has that same potential.
The conversations that matter most ask more of us than words alone can provide. We need to have better conversations for a better world.
Before your next difficult conversation, ask yourself: what might change if I replaced "why" with "what"?
The Negotiator's Compass explores this — and the other shifts that change how our most important conversations unfold. If this newsletter opened something for you, the book goes deeper.
If this resonated, please consider forwarding it to someone who would benefit from seeing it.
— Howard